TOUGHSTUFF: I KID YOU NOT!

...is anything but eventful, unfortunately. While my batchmates are probably basking in the sun of the Bahamas/ shopping in Tokyo / anything of equivalent value I still find myself stuck in the searing suffocating heat of my home making sense of the irony of enjoying the pressures of exams and loathing the comforts of home. If misplacing my sense of purpose is not bad enough, I should think that having dreams of the very same exam (with strange questions based on unity/music, but that's not the point) be a hallmark of my undoing. Despite having passed the aforementioned.

What am I doing, one may ask: and that is the very same question I pose to myself everyday, consciously or otherwise. It's hard not to expect anything, I suppose, considering the whole drama we went through. No one can really blame anyone for expecting life to be more eventful or enjoyable or operatic, for that matter. But I suppose it's still something I'm learning--that the world doesn't revolve around me, and life goes on even if I want an orchestra playing everytime I wake up.

But surely waking up wishing that money grows on trees just for a day isn't a bad thing?

YO! I guess things have been too hectic *coughlazycough* for the past week or so for an update what with major finals looming (now history) around the corner. Although I do admittedly miss the late night study sessions in Starbucks/McDonald's. Still, having said that I'm pretty glad its all over now anyway and I can finally get my much-deserved break and resume the lifeless routine of senseless blogging, facebooking and mouse hunting.

Been a long tiring day selling badges and screaming my lungs out all in the name of publicity for NOISE&MOVEMENT, though I admittedly enjoy doing that *coughworkaholiccough*. Still I want to believe I'm up to date with my studies as much as the pile of unread notes in the corner would suggest otherwise--psyching myself is probably all I can do at the moment anyway.

4 days were spent shopping and generally losing the excess baggage of medical information stored in Singapore. 3 hours in total in a cramped up airplane. Less than 1 hour of total study-time. 

Been a long week, it was. Catching up with 3 month's worth of studying in less than 3 weeks was not very pleasant, too, but I guess that was the price I had to pay for procrastination. Still, results were much better than what I deserved and I couldn't help but think that there was some degree of divine intervention being involved in the equation. The pressure was pretty much tangible yesterday, and to make things much more suspenseful for this frail little mind of mine I still had to attend an interview in my current church before serving. ON THE SAME DAY. Thankfully it went pretty well so it was worth it ultimately.

the end has ended. now on to the next phase of my misery. here i go EoS2!!!

Ah, again; do forgive my absence for the past few days--exam's close, after all. Nothing much to update on, since the fun in life have effectively came to a standstill. Having said that, however, I find the thrill of examination looming in the corner hardly containable--a hallmark of exam stress-induced psychosis mayhaps--and I find myself relaxed to the point that I have to keep reminding myself the price of failing the next exam.

Pardon the clutter; something somehow possesed me today to have the blog undergo some pretty drastic structural changes but the contents would remain as it is--all in the name of progress after all. And speaking of progress studies have effectively arrived at a standstill today due to various forms of distractions, you name it: nursing reports, PBLs, friends, and some decidedly spontaneous Sharpie-time. And American Idol. (people, you have got to understand that sympathy votes cheapen the whole show and keeping someone for a disability is not productive ultimately. Got nothing against them though.)

In the meantime the pressure to perform is getting increasingly intolerable; with about 2 more weeks to go and still so much to cover, it'll take a miracle to get whatever I want at the moment but we'll see how it goes. :D

Do excuse the somewhat long pointless post yesterday--all in the name of venting out ultimately giggles. Today's pretty ordinary, what with pharmaco lectures still raping me front and back and then there's the customary/obligatory lecture which serves little purpose but to ruin my otherwise productive day. Having said that walking out of lectures is quickly becoming a habit I find hard to curb, more so when precious time is being consumed by lecturers who believe telling lame jokes and speaking at snail's pace would make them a darling to our already packed timetables.

I finally had time to do things I intend to do, which most importantly includes catching up with all the accumulated workload over the past few weeks or so. And working out, too! :D

On an absolutely different note Animeslut's being stalked by a guy who seem to not notice fine line between being overfriendly and overtly flirting, and needless to say I find it amazingly amusing, since Animeslut has this tendency to be a people-pleaser (or a very good pretender. either way.). Once the person is out of her sight, however, the disgusted side comes up and becomes an endless source of entertainment.

And I really need an apartment mate now.

Woke up today just in time to be disturbed by a senior (who really needs to do something more productive than to taunt a junior in the morning about having classes) and a (not so secret) admirer over msn. Wasted probably half an hour chatting and begging for lecture recordings before having to rush to my campus despite waking up early due to said distractions.

That said, it was probably the most interesting thing that happened to me today. On to the ranting.

I'm begining to fear for myself for the coming exams, actually. In fact, I'm questioning my ability and my passion for this profession; and more often than not I wonder if my motivations are truly noble and sufficient to keep me afloat and if struggling like this would be futile or not.

I've seen people who could do this. You just know it somehow that they have it in them; the passion, the determination, the youthful eagerness to learn (as much as I hate to admit I envy at times) and the heart for it. Which makes me wonder where did all those things which I used to have that I am seeing in other people went.

See, the problem is I don't know if I really want it this badly or not, or if I am willing to sacrifice so much for this to happen, or if I even have the capacity to do it to begin with. The worst part? If anyone were to ask me what I would do if I weren't studying this, I can honestly say I do not know. I have a friend who's a writer at the moment for an established publication, but no one would've guessed that he's also holding a degree in Biomedical Sciences. My point is, he's someone who is not in a sense confined to his degree--he just does what he enjoys and does best. Frankly, I deeply admire his ability to take on something which he enjoys which is independent of his degree. Of course, I'm not in any way trying to insinuate that I do not enjoy whatever I'm doing now, but the question I ask myself is if I had to do it another way, which path would I take?

To be perfectly honest, I still feel that I am perfectly incapable of doing anything above average--most of my works are relatively substandard in my opinion, and if anyone were to ask me if there's anything worse than bad it would be exactly this: mediocrity. Classic case of jack of all trades, master of none. Point is: I don't know what else I can do besides what I am doing now, and that is what frustrates me, more so with the prospect of mediocrity (or possibly failure) looming ahead.

Perhaps I am just overthinking--I sure hope I am. Whatever I'm doing now was bought with a lot of tears and sweat on part of my parents and myself; I can only pray I don't screw things over with my weaknesses and doubts (there's only so much I can do--but is it enough?).

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Said writer friend told me "sometimes you just need to let life be", which is ironic considering his circumstances. I myself believe that destiny is autonomous and letting life be is simply akin to sleeping while driving a car on a dark road, but that's probably where our differences lie. But as to how life goes, I don't know and I'm certain no one does either.

But maybe that's what I should do.

hope this makes sense and it doesn't bore anyone. It's not meant to mean anything anyway.

It's strange how it takes only a week to tip the fine balance created over the past 2 months; now lectures seem too foreign for my taste. Still, nothing beats having a lecturer coming in half an hour later than the time stipulated and giving the most amusing lecture on "loving kindness" in a tone only a robot could match. Extra marks for getting definition to sound like damnation. Or better yet, going "Oh I thought I was going too fast for you guys" when the lecturer is, in fact moving waaayy too slow.

Ah, the times in lecture halls.

2 months, and yet it felt as though 2 years have passed by. Exam's close, too, and I should really start amping up my work if I really plan on making it through to the next semester.