Woke up today just in time to be disturbed by a senior (who really needs to do something more productive than to taunt a junior in the morning about having classes) and a (not so secret) admirer over msn. Wasted probably half an hour chatting and begging for lecture recordings before having to rush to my campus despite waking up early due to said distractions.
That said, it was probably the most interesting thing that happened to me today. On to the ranting.
I'm begining to fear for myself for the coming exams, actually. In fact, I'm questioning my ability and my passion for this profession; and more often than not I wonder if my motivations are truly noble and sufficient to keep me afloat and if struggling like this would be futile or not.
I've seen people who could do this. You just know it somehow that they have it in them; the passion, the determination, the youthful eagerness to learn (as much as I hate to admit I envy at times) and the heart for it. Which makes me wonder where did all those things which I used to have that I am seeing in other people went.
See, the problem is I don't know if I really want it this badly or not, or if I am willing to sacrifice so much for this to happen, or if I even have the capacity to do it to begin with. The worst part? If anyone were to ask me what I would do if I weren't studying this, I can honestly say I do not know. I have a friend who's a writer at the moment for an established publication, but no one would've guessed that he's also holding a degree in Biomedical Sciences. My point is, he's someone who is not in a sense confined to his degree--he just does what he enjoys and does best. Frankly, I deeply admire his ability to take on something which he enjoys which is independent of his degree. Of course, I'm not in any way trying to insinuate that I do not enjoy whatever I'm doing now, but the question I ask myself is if I had to do it another way, which path would I take?
To be perfectly honest, I still feel that I am perfectly incapable of doing anything above average--most of my works are relatively substandard in my opinion, and if anyone were to ask me if there's anything worse than bad it would be exactly this: mediocrity. Classic case of jack of all trades, master of none. Point is: I don't know what else I can do besides what I am doing now, and that is what frustrates me, more so with the prospect of mediocrity (or possibly failure) looming ahead.
Perhaps I am just overthinking--I sure hope I am. Whatever I'm doing now was bought with a lot of tears and sweat on part of my parents and myself; I can only pray I don't screw things over with my weaknesses and doubts (there's only so much I can do--but is it enough?).
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Said writer friend told me "sometimes you just need to let life be", which is ironic considering his circumstances. I myself believe that destiny is autonomous and letting life be is simply akin to sleeping while driving a car on a dark road, but that's probably where our differences lie. But as to how life goes, I don't know and I'm certain no one does either.
But maybe that's what I should do.
hope this makes sense and it doesn't bore anyone. It's not meant to mean anything anyway.
